I,M STUCK IN THE MUD, CLUTCHING MY PRIZE

TWO BIG MUDCRABS, MY GOD WHAT A SIZE

I CAN SEE IT NOW AS I SINK IN THE OOZE

FOR TEA, TWO MUDDIES AND A CARTON OF BOOZE.

STUCK IN THE MANGROVES IS NOT MUCH OF A JOKE

THE MOZZIES AND SANDFLIES SURE PICK ON A BLOKE

LOST ONE OF MY BOOTS, SUNK UP TO MY KNEES

AMIDST THE TANGLE OF ROOTS OF THESE BLOODY TREES

IF I CAN GET OUT, I KNOW THAT I MIGHT

JUST GET OUT OF THIS PLACE BY THE END OF THE NIGHT

BUT WITH A CRAB IN EACH HAND, ITS AWKWARD YOU SEE

JUST TO REACH UP AND GRAB A BRANCH OF A TREE

AND I,M DAMNED IF I ,M GONNA LET THE BUGGERS GO FREE

I,M STUCK IN THE MUD,CLUTCHING MY PRIZE

AND THE BLOODY MUD NOW IS UP TO MY EYES.

THE WORM HAS TURNED, THAT MUCH IS CLEAR

BUT THEY CAN BLOODY WELL GO AND GET THEIR OWN BEER!

Adrian 1990

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5′ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…?

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ‘don’t do it dipshit,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I’m still looking for my nuts and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

‘If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.’

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there’s no
Hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read
this slowly.
For those of you who have lived in Natal , you know how typical
this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes
up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was
visiting from America.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for
directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn’t be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted”.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 – SEELAN’S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY…
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.

CHILI #2 – PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY…
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure
what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who Wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more
beer When they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 – SHAMILA’S FAMOUS “BURN DOWN THE GARAGE” CURRY…
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call 911. I’ve located a uraniums pill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by
now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting pissed
from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 – BABOO’S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY…
Judge # 1 — Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman
is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LALL’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER…
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground,adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit
the chili peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage.
Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on
it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw
them.

CHILI # 6 – VERISHNEE’S VEGETARIAN VARIETY…
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance
of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart
and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
stand behind me except that Shareen. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need
to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.

CHILI # 7 – SELINA’S “MOTHER-IN-LAW’S-TONGUE” CURRY…
Judge # 1 — A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this
stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me.
I’ve decided to stop breathing- it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – NAIDOO’S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY…
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted,passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he’d
have reacted to really hot curry?

Judge # 3 – No Report.

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